my first ever GPOY

“The stupid jerk I’m obsessed with 
stands so close to me I can feel his breath on my neck
and smell the way he would smell if we slept together
because he is The Stupid Jerk I’m Obsessed with 
and that is his primary function in life
to be a Stupid Jerk I can Obsess over 
and to talk with that dinghy bim bat blonde as if he really wanted to hear about her manicures and pedicures and new age ritualistic enema cures and 
truth be known he probably does want to hear about it 
because he is The Stupid Jerk I’m Obsessed with 
and he’s obsessed with doing anything he can to lend fuel to my fire. 

He makes a point of standing, 
looking over my shoulder 
when I’m talking to the guy who adores me 
and would bark like a dog and wave to strangers if I asked him to 
bark like a dog and wave to strangers, 
but I can’t ask him to bark like a dog or impersonate any kind of animal at all 
cuz I’m too busy lookin at the way The Stupid Jerk I’m Obsessed with 
has pants on that perfectly define his well shaped ass 
to the point where I’m thoroughly frantic. 

I’m just gonna go home and stick my head in the oven, 
overdose on nutmeg and aspirin and 
sit in the bathtub reading the executioners song 
and being completely confounded by the fact that I can see 
The Stupid Jerk I’m Obsessed with’s face 
defining itself in the peeling plaster of the wall 
grinning and winking 
and I start to yell “get the hell out a there. 
You’re just a figment of my imagination. 
Just get a life and get out of my plaster and pass me the next painful situation, please.” But he just keeps on grinning and winking. 
He’s a Stupid Jerk I’m Obsessed with 
and he’s mine, 
in my plaster 
and frankly I couldn’t be happier. ”

“You would be cute if you had long hair.”

YOU WOULD BE CUTE WITH MY ALEXANDER MCQUEEN HEEL SHOVED UP YOUR ASS. Yes, I am aware that I have the haircut of a twelve year old boy, and guess what? I LOVE IT. I sleep better at night. I embrace it. I ain’t neva met a bitch with long hair that I liked. Grow a pair, cut your hair, coolness is having courage, etc. Let me guess, you probably want me to get rid of my custom mixed red for blonde or brunette, too? Fuck off.